Moxie Mental Health

Psychology and religion share an interest in human behavior. Both ways of understanding the world teach about the importance of the “self” in managing behavior.

What about My “Self”

Psychology and religion often use the word “ego” when they talk about the “self.” Ego, in Greek, means “I.”.

In psychology, the “ego” or “I” of is that part of us that balances out the inner conflict between the pleasure we want and the good people we want to be. A healthy “I” or “ego” has some virtues combined with some vices. The goal is to keep virtues and vices balanced.

Religions stress the importance of not letting the “ego” or “self” bulldoze over the desires and needs of others. “Self” is used as the starting point in managing behavior toward others. “Do into others as you would have them do unto you,” known by Christians as “the Golden Rule,” has a corollary in nearly every major religion.

The combined wisdom of psychology and religion looks something like this:

•  Our “self” has virtues and vices  (None of us are perfect and that is the reality of life. Period.)
• Each of us needs to keep the perspective that others’ needs and our own  are equally important.

What About Other “Selves”

There are many personal qualities starting with “self” that we would like others to have: “Self-control,” “Self-efficacy,” and “Self-awareness.”

There are other “self” qualities that we want others to not have: Being “selfish,” “self-absorbed,” or “self-righteous.” We want them to have ample room for us.

We also want others to care for their selves. We expect: “Self-esteem,” “self-efficacy,” and “self-sufficiency.” That way, others won’t become a burden.  They will also enjoy richer lives.

Our emphasis on the vocabulary of self informs us that the behavior of others is extremely important to us. That is why is so tempting to try to manage the behavior of others.

So before trying to manage others, we might want to manage our own perspective about our self and the other self:

• We, ourselves, are not perfect and neither is the other person. We both have the right to be imperfect—because that is the only variety humans come in.
• We and the other both have many virtues
• We both have needs, which are equally important

Ideally, these facts about self and others would be mutually understood—but that usually isn’t the case. Somebody, during a discussion about unwanted behaviors, is likely to let go of self-control. They automatically and mindlessly start running their mouths without engaging their brain.

We cannot stop the other person from losing self-control; but we can assure that our attitudes and behaviors remain true to our intention to value and accept others.

If the other person lets go of their steering wheel, and begins acting like a zombie (a mythical creature that moves but is dead and mindless), we can nudge them back to the living by using our own self-control.

Just for fun, let’s call a discussion where one participant goes mindlessly into the attack mode  “an attack by a conversation zombie.”

One “conversation zombie”, spouting off the negative thoughts and feelings that come from being emotionally swamped,  had a very different experience when her husband made an important decision. . .

The Attack by a Conversation Zombie

Rick:  “So, Peg, talk to me about what happened at dinner .”

Peg: “There you go, Rick, accusing me of being a ‘bad mother.’”

Rick:  “You’re concerned that I might not support you as a mother.”

Peg: “I know you won’t support me.  You never have!  You only care about the kids.”

Rick: “Maybe you’re concerned that I don’t notice how much effort you put into making sure our children have a mother who makes sure that they do well in school.”

Peg: “Not only that they do well in school, but—wait! You know–you’re right!  I saw that look in your eye when I told Ben to leave the table! You think I’m a **!## (short for ‘conversation zombie).’”

Rick: “I care about your feelings—I know that you care about how I feel about you. You are my sweetheart!”

Peg: “Well, I’m really concerned that Ben always has an excuse for not bringing homework home. . .”

This tidbit of after-dinner talk started out very badly. Peg is not so good at reading Rick’s mind. Secretly, she worries about being grumpy, and would like Rick to put more effort into guiding Ben. When she feels discouraged, she feels she cannot do anything right. She often feels unlovable. And at night, after she is exhausted from a difficult day job, she often tells herself that it is all Rick’s fault.

Rick did not appreciate the continued attacks. He knew that it was just “Pegspeak- after- a- long-day,” but he sometimes got tired of it.

They had a discussion like this last week, and he decided that next time he was not going to allow it to deteriorate into an argument about whether Rick or Peg was the “bad guy.”

Rick is not a therapist, and he has never had a class in communication. In fact, he works with numbers, rather than people (he is an accountant).

Rick simply did three things differently than what is ordinarily done when under attack by a conversation zombie.

• He refused to get defensive and take the bait when Peg tried to make the conversation about him
• He acknowledged her feelings without agreeing (or disagreeing) with her
• He consistently made comments that focused on her virtues

So, who won in this disagreement that did not happen? 

Rick’s good self-control and acknowledgement of Peg’s feelings successfully dislodged her from the attack mode. As a result, she got out of her rut and talked about her real concern.

Rick was more energized as well. He had won at poker before—but this is a much sweeter victory–not a victory over Peg, but a victory over his own impulses. He hoped that getting it “right” once would help him get it right again and again.

As for Ben?  When his dad told him that he would not be playing computer games until after the homework was done—Ben found his homework and got it done. Ben saw the boundary his father set for him as evidence of his love.

If the conversation would have turned in the direction of Peg’s attacks, the homework thing would have been left unresolved. But tonight, nobody went to bed empty.